Custom Search

Articles

By: Rhiannon Rose

If a person has an experience that is physically, mentally or emotionally traumatic, the mind deals with the situation in one of several different ways. Some people abuse alcohol, food, drugs or other substances to numb the feelings they have inside. Others mourn for a short period of time, restore their faith, balance and sanity, and somehow miraculously move on. But the rest of us left over, usually those who are very analytical and logical, have trouble processing deeply troubling situations. So, we replay the painful situation over and over again in our minds, searching for an answer. But the problem is, the answer cannot be found in the rational mind, because the problem is on an emotional plain. Therefore, the solution has to come from the heart, which needs to be healed and restored. Here is the step by step process I have adapted to end obsessive thinking about an Ex:

Step 1:

Don't take anything your Ex ever said or did personally, because nothing your Ex ever said or did was about you. Even if your Ex downright blames you for everything that went wrong in your relationship, realize their statement is only coming from who they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are.

Step 2:

However, not taking your Ex personally is a two sided coin. If during the heat of an argument you react and tell your Ex what an idiot THEY are, and how everything is THEIR fault, then it has nothing to do with them. Your statements only reflect the kind of person you are, which is a person who likes to blame and judge. This has nothing to do with your Ex. Therefore, consciously make an effort to be the person you are, regardless of how your Ex is behaving. Make a list of all the qualities you admire in others, for example: kindness, confidence, compassion, and respect. Chances are you already possess the qualities within yourself. Be very careful not to make statements that don't reflect who you are, even when you may be tempted to give into the hurt and anger you feel.

Step 3

Release your judgments and opinions by becoming friends with Death. As morbid as this sounds, realize that in 100 years, you and your Ex will likely be dead, and nothing you ever fought about will be remembered. If your Ex has the obsessive need to be right and argue with you about everything, give in to their whim and say, "You are absolutely right." Not only will this reinforce your relationship with Death and save you a tremendous amount of personal power, your Ex will find it impossible to argue with you because you are giving the non-verbal message that it really doesn't matter. As one my favorite authors Wayne Dyer once said, "Have you ever noticed how hard it is to argue with someone who isn't obsessed with being right?"

Step 4:

If the hurt and anger is overwhelming, distance yourself from your Ex completely. And no matter what, get on your knees and pray for your Ex every morning. Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don't believe in God, the act itself is liberating.

In twelve step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they are taught to pray for people they have a deep resentment towards. At first, you will not mean a word of the prayer. But if you say the prayer consistently for two weeks, you will come to genuinely mean it, and find that there is a part of you that realizes your Ex is just a human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you go deeper, you will realize your Ex may also be a very hurt and scared person - even if they outwardly seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. Of course, no matter what happened to your Ex in their childhood or even in their day to day life - it does not give them a reason to mistreat you. But by being aware of the fact that your Ex has a certain set of issues to deal with on their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with compassion and understanding.

Step 5:

Own your personal power. Because when you are who you are, regardless of the situation or circumstance that comes your way, then this transforms you into a very powerful person. This is the step that absolutely baffles your Ex, because by you being who you are, and not letting them get you down - it sends your Ex the non-verbal message that you are who you are and they are who they are. But most importantly, it tells your Ex that you are not going to take any of their crap! When you respond to your Ex's hostility with kindness, and your Ex's blame with compassion, it frustrates them to no end, because your Ex cannot get you to play their game.

Step 6:

Come to understand that you are doing all of this work for no other reason than to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work in order to manipulate your Ex, and make them want you back, your Ex will subconsciously sense your intentions, because at one point or another, you will slip and let your intentions be known without realizing it. When this happens, you will give all of your power back to your Ex, and will have to start all over again with Step 1.

Step 6 is often tricky, because if you master each step up to this point, your Ex may very well want to reconcile. At the very least, your Ex will begin responding to the kindness you send their way in a positive fashion. But regardless if you want to get back together with your Ex, just be friends, or just get over the obsessive thinking - remember your sole purpose is to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work just to manipulate your Ex into responding the way you want them to, it may work for a very short period of time. But I guarantee your Ex will pick up on the fact that your intentions are not genuine, and you will lose your personal power. Not only that, but when you genuinely become who you are, you attract the right kind of people to your life. And maybe your Ex is not the person you are meant to be with! And the only way you will know if you are meant to be with your Ex or anyone else is if you are genuinely who you are.

Step 7:

Forgive your Ex, no matter what they did or didn't do. Unfortunately, it may not be enough at this point to say, "I forgive my ex." And leave it at that. Forgiveness has little to do with words, and more to do with action. Before proceeding with this step, I recommend reading up on the topic of forgiveness, and reading heroic stories about the power of forgiveness. I once read a story about a woman whose daughter was brutally raped and murdered by a man that was eventually caught and sent to prison. As anyone can imagine, the woman spent years of her life in rage and obsession over what this man had done to her daughter. I am sure there are no words to express how much pain this woman was feeling. However, she somehow stumbled on a book entitled, The Course of Miracles and began reading about what the power of forgiveness could do for her. She started to pray for the man, and eventually sent him a letter, letting him know she had forgiven him for the actions he took against her daughter, even though she didn't condone his behavior. To make a long story short, the man wrote the woman back and apologized profusely. The woman felt compelled to see this young man in prison, and she held him as he cried during their first visit. To make a long story short, they became friends, and she became his number one advocate in attempts to release him from prison.

There are not a lot of people walking on the planet as courageous as this woman, but it is an extreme example of what is possible within each one of us. I thought about this woman before I reached out to my Ex with forgiveness in my heart. I sent a gift to my Ex and the woman my Ex left me for, which seemed to pale in comparison to this woman's story. Of course, it took me a little over a year to reach that point, and a lot of soul searching. To this day, I love my Ex with all of my heart on a platonic level. We live in two totally different cities, but still call and send each other emails on occasion as good friends.

I am also in a healthy relationship with someone I am deeply in love with. Next week will be our two year anniversary. I do not think I would be as happy and as deeply in love with this new person as I am now, had I not let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment I once felt towards my Ex, which is another reason why forgiveness is so important.

A lot of people believe turning off your feelings for a person you once were in a romantic relationship with, or even hating them is a way to show that they are "over" the person. But I believe the exact opposite is true. When you are completely "over" a person, you really wish them nothing but the best - and you are totally detached emotionally from how they act or react. Another point to consider is the fact that love isn't real unless you loved your Ex for the person they are, not the person you wanted them to be. And just because the romantic relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean your Ex isn't a lovable person.

About the Author

Rhiannon Wilkinson created Lover of Love, http://www.loveroflove.com, to inspire thousands of readers to love, just for the sake of loving. Read hundreds of articles, quotations and poetry about the SEVEN different forms of love. Visit http://www.loveroflove.com for more details.

(ArticlesBase SC #20231)

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ - How to Get Over Your Ex

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find love on Match.com. Match.com pioneered the Internet dating industry, launching in 1995 what is now the most recognized dating service worldwide, and today serves more than 15 million singles. And, as an undisputable leader in the industry, Match.com continues to redefine the way single men and single women meet, flirt, date and fall in love, proving time and again that you can make love happen through online dating and that lasting relationships are possible.

Chemistry.com

Launched by Match.com in February 2006, Chemistry.com was created to bring together independent-thinking, confident, diverse singles that are serious about finding a meaningful relationship. Based on the research of renowned biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry.com uses a proprietary test to predict which two people are most likely to experience a life-changing jolt of chemistry. This approach, combined with its "come as you are" philosophy and private matching technique, makes Chemistry.com the ideal place to find the relationship that is right for each individual, whether it’s marriage, romance, a partnership or a long-term commitment.

. . . more dating sites

1. Trying to find the best rates for shipping? SmartShip is the online guide to express delivery rates and services. Get rates and track your packages from one site.
http://www.smartship.com

2. Traveling? Plug in your destination and where you are starting from and get door-to-door driving directions. Print your map and take it with you.
http://www.mapquest.com

3. How's the Weather? This travel and weather guide will give you everything from a Skier's forecast to driving conditions in your area or your destination. Check the weather where you are going, check flight arrivals and departures. Allergies? Check the pollen count where you are going.
http://www.weather.com

4. Zip Code Finder. Enter an address. If found in the database, this lookup will standardize the address and return the ZIP+4 Code.
http://www.usps.gov/ncsc/lookups/lookup_zip+4.html

5. Find an Area Code For area codes by location: Enter a city, state, or combination (San Francisco | Texas | Miami, FL) OR
For locations by area code: enter a three digit area code (ex. 415)
http://www.555-1212.com/area_codes.html

6. Every kind of financial calculator you can dream up! Mortgage calculator, insurance calculator, tax calculator, loans calculator, savings, etc.
http://www.moneyadvisor.com/calc/

7. Currency Converter. I want to convert this amount of this type of currency into this type of currency.
http://www.xe.net./currency/

8. What time is it in ...? Use the time zone converter and find out what time it is anywhere in the world.
http://www.timezoneconverter.com

9. Where did I put that thesaurus? Polish up that article using Roget's Thesaurus online.
http://www.thesaurus.com

10. Taking a trip? Find everything you need to travel here. Destination guides, real-time flight tracker, book a flight, hotel or a car.
http://www.thetrip.com

Kate Schultz is the Publisher of E-ZineZ: the E-Zine About E-Zines! Visit e-zines for FREE how-to help for your Internet Newsletter.

Shop around for an attorney just as you would a doctor. You want them to be knowledgeable in family law but you also want to feel comfortable working with them. Some things to consider besides their expertise in family law:
-Do they have weekend or evening appointments? This is important when you work full-time.
-Are their offices fairly close to where you live or work? Single parent time is stretched to the limit. You want one located in a convenient location.

Where Do I Find an Attorney?
1)The phone book – Look under the Family Law section in the yellow pages. Here you will find a wide selection of attorneys. There are attorneys who specialize in the representation of men or the representation of women. Some attorneys specialize in a particular component of family law, for instance custody. There are attorneys that are Christian focused, and some that offer payment plans. Many offices will give you a free phone consultation.

2)The library – Ask to see the Martindale & Hubbell Law Directory. This directory lists most lawyers and areas of practices within the United States.

3) State or Local Bar Association - Most operate a Lawyer Referral Service. After asking you to briefly describe the facts of your case, they will refer you to attorneys in your area. Tell the attorney you were referred from the State Bar’s Lawyer Referral Service and you will often get a half-hour consultation at no charge. The referral service does not give legal advice.

4)Network - Ask friends, family, and co-workers for names of attorneys they would recommend. Ask friends who have gone through a divorce if their attorney did a good job and if they would hire him/her again.

5) Legal Aid Offices – If lack of money is a problem call your local legal aid office to determine if you qualify for representation. Your income has to be below a certain point to qualify for most services. Also, legal aid organizations often have restrictions on case acceptance. For instance, they may only take domestic violence cases. If they are not accepting your type of case ask them to refer you to pro bono attorney programs. These are local attorneys who have agreed to provide free legal representation to eligible persons, usually lower income. Like legal aid, some have restrictions on case acceptance.

The Initial Consultation:
Many attorneys offer a free initial consultation. This is usually half-hour to listen to an overview of your case and give you options on how to proceed.

-Create a "cheat sheet" – Write down the main facts of your case and put them in chronological order. Also, list the questions you have about your case. Bring it to your initial consultation. Refer to your sheet when speaking with the attorney. It will ensure that you don’t forget to tell the attorney anything important.

-Some Questions to Ask in the Initial Consultation:
How long have you practiced family law?
Do you have experience dealing with cases similar to mine?
If all goes well, how long will it take for my case to be resolved?
What should I expect? What will be happening step-by-step?
How can I be sure I get my child support, visitation, etc?
What are the best case and worst case scenarios in regards to the outcome of my case?
How much will this cost?
How do you bill?

How Do Attorney’s Charge?

Some attorney’s charge by the hour and some will charge you one lump sum when your case is completed. Some of the common ways lawyers bill for their services:

Retainer Fee: advance payment to the lawyer for a portion of their fee.
Contingency Fee: an agreed upon percentage of any money obtained through settlement, trial or negotiation.
Hourly Fee: the lawyer’s hourly rate. They will take their hourly rate and multiply the number of hours worked on your case.
Fixed Fee: a specific amount of money charged for a specific service.
Cost advance: reoccurring advance payment for on-going expenses related to the case.
Mixed fee: A combination of contingency and hourly fees.

How Will the Attorney Bill Me?

If the attorney charges an hourly fee ask how often they bill. A monthly invoice is common. Ask for a detailed monthly billing statement that specifies what services the attorney provided and how much time they spent on each service. Do not accept a bill that says: " service rendered." This doesn’t tell you what you are being charged for. Be assertive. If you don’t understand your bill ask the lawyer to explain it.

If the attorney charges a fixed fee ask if they have payment plans. Paying a little each month is easier to budget than paying one lump sum.

Hiring the Lawyer:

When you decide to hire an attorney you will sign a retainer agreement. This is a document that states what services the attorney will perform and what the fees for the service will be.

If you accept the fees and understand the services to be performed then, and only then, should you sign the retainer. Find out if the quoted fee includes court costs, copying costs, and filing fees or if these services will be extra charges.

Do not sign the retainer unless you understand all the terms of the agreement!

After You Have Hired the Attorney:
-Be prepared and organized for each appointment.
-Obtain the documentation your attorney has asked for.
-Put in writing what you want out of the case. For instance, what property you want, how much child support, etc. Give this to your attorney. Ask what problems you face in getting what you want.
-Create a folder labeled "Attorney". Keep all correspondence and documentation relating to your case
in the file so it will be easily accessible.
-Write down what you want to ask your attorney before you call him. This will ensure you don’t forget anything. It will also help you stay on track since most attorneys will charge for time spent on the phone.
-Listen carefully to what the attorney says and make notes if necessary so you can review them later.

Hint: Remember, your attorney is not your therapist. Don’t pour your heart out to him about your personal problems each time you meet. He is only interested in the facts of the case and besides he will probably charge you for listening.

Selecting and hiring an attorney is an important decision. You should research your selections carefully. He should be receptive to your questions and keep you informed about each step in the proceedings. If you do not feel that your attorney is representing you in the best possible manner than dismiss his services and find another attorney. Remember, the attorney works for you!

Copyright Shelley Taylor 2000 Reprinted by permission.

Shelley Taylor is the owner/editor of Single Parent Central- Information and resources to empower single parent families.

"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want." -- Sue Bender

How does a person find the time, space, inclination and direction to understand his or her self and unique purpose? What seems to stop the flow of true, natural, purposeful action?

Your purpose is your gift to the world. It is a sacred source for you to connect with and contribute to others at a deep and powerful level.

I have heard many times from clients in all walks of life, "Yeah, but how do I do it? How do I live aligned with my purpose?"

I believe it begins and ends with Courage -- the Courage to trust your heart, trust your values, and to trust yourself.

It takes courage to open up, to ask for what you want and courage to face your truth. Some say it takes courage to be real and to be authentically You.

So what stops us from being real, from living on purpose?

In my own life it has been fear. The fear of showing vulnerability. The fear of being judged. The fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, of uncertainty, and in the end, it seems to be the fear of losing my "life".

I have come to realize (and of course you must arrive at your own conclusions) that no one, no situation, no experience, can take away my purpose. Eventually, one way or another I will die. But, in the process of living, I am the one responsible for identifying, connecting to and living my own purposeful life. A life and a truth that belongs to this moment only, to this opportunity to live fully.

How can I live in this moment fully? What courage do I need to call on? I summon my courage to let go of perceived past wrongs, of regrets, hurts, and of old longings.

I work to own the memories, the true lessons learned, thoughts and images of joy and of love, of compassion and caring. I let go of blaming and anger; release jealousy, envy and any feelings of scarcity, helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness.

As humans, we heal and build at the same time. Both take courage. You decide when you are ready to move to the next step in your purposeful evolution. Look around. You'll find a book, a friend, a coach, a spiritual guide or teacher to help you uncover your own true connection to yourself, your truth and your purpose. Maybe you will be that friend, guide or teacher for another, which will be part of your healing journey to Authentic Purposefulness.

No matter where you are in this evolutionary process, there is room to grow. We all face our own challenges to live fulfilling, passionate and compassionate lives.

I am truly grateful for others who showed me through books, stories and in the way they live their life that I can live on purpose and be happy. The key ingredient, I have learned, is Courage.

It takes courage to accept responsibility for my own success and happiness. The courage to live on Purpose. The courage to be real.
© 2000, Options Success Coaching and Training

Robert Knowlton is an Executive Success Coach. Coaching in leadership development, communication strategies, and discovering your purpose and personal vision. Contact me now if you are ready to move to the next level of success and fulfillment in your business and life.

Subscribe to my free e-newsletter, ON PURPOSE to get coaching tips and strategies for living a success-full and meaningful life. Visit my web site or send an email.

Options Success Coaching and Training
Web site
email

Is your business going through a period of slow or no growth? Here are 4 low-cost ways you can revitalize your business - and increase your sales.

1. PROMOTE A NEW USE FOR YOUR PRODUCT OR SERVICE

Find and promote a new way customers can benefit by using your product or service. You will immediately attract a new group of potential customers. You will also capture customers from your competitors who cannot provide or do not promote this new benefit.

For example, I recently saw a promotion for a well-known marketing course normally sold to individuals. The promotion targeted sales organizations and offered a special group purchase plan. It stressed how the course would increase the sales organization's productivity and income.

2. USE A NEW METHOD OF ADVERTISING

Test some new methods of advertising to attract a fresh group of prospective customers.

For example, print your best small ad on 4 by 6 inch postcards and mail them to a list of prospects in your targeted market. Postcards cost very little to prepare and send. And your promotions will not be seen by competitors who see (and copy) them in most other media.

TIP: Continually test new marketing methods - and old ones you never tried. You can reach more prospects and generate more sales with a variety of marketing methods than with just one or two.

3. GENERATE SOME FREE PUBLICITY

Publicity is what you get when someone else promotes (or you get them to promote) your business. It establishes more credibility with prospective customers than advertising and generates sales at a much lower cost.

Look for ways you can generate some free publicity for your business. For example, contact non-competing businesses serving customers in your market. Offer to publicize their products or services to your customers in exchange for their publicizing your services to their customers.

CAUTION: Do not expect free publicity to replace the results you get with advertising. Use it to supplement your advertising. You control where and when your advertising appears. You cannot control where or when you get publicity ...or whether you get any at all.

4. CONVERT YOUR CUSTOMERS INTO PUBLICITY AGENTS

Satisfied customers can be your most effective publicity agents. Give them an incentive to tell their associates and friends about the value of your products or services. An endorsement from them is much more effective than advertising - and it is much cheaper.

For example, ask your customers for referrals. Offer to reward them each time one of their referrals becomes a customer. Your reward can be as simple as a special discount on their next order or a special bonus item.

Every business goes through periods of slow or no growth. When it happens to you, use these 4 low-cost marketing tactics to revitalize your business - and increase your sales.

(c) Copyright 2002 Bob Leduc

About the Author